This is me 3 years ago:
Skinny, happy, content. We had finished our house. I owned a great business and made amazing money while working flexible hours. Life was good.
This is me today:
Overweight, broke and generally unhappy.
It seemed like life was so easy. It seemed that things were so easy. Oh wait, things were so easy. Joseph's business was thriving. My business was thriving. We both had church callings we loved. We built a big beautiful house and filled it up with kids. We looked at each other and said "we are so blessed. Where are all those trials everyone's always talking about?" Well, we found out. Boy did we find out. Our income is a third of what is once was. We now have more kids than we bargained for. We live in a falling-apart house that isn't big enough. We have to make decisions every month like, "hmm, do we buy groceries or make our car payment this month?" But worst of all, I feel like the more time passes, the more I lose myself. I don't even know what I want anymore. There are many things I feel like I am supposed to want. But these days all I want is to be able to go to the bathroom alone. I tire quickly of reading blogs and facebook posts that are like scrapbooks of everyone else's perfect lives. My life is messy and complicated and there are no vacation pictures because there are no vacations!!! I don't want to hear how blessed I am and I don't want to hear what a good person I am. If you do the right things with the wrong attitude, are you still a good person? If you wish for someone else to have all your "blessings" for a while, are you still a good person?
Is this a whiney, self-pitying blog post? Yes. But sometimes I just need and outlet to vent before I turn into this:
3 comments:
I'm SO with you! life in MT was great... money was never amazing for us, but life was good.... ever since I got pregnant with my youngest Everything has changed... almost 4 years now and I think REALLY.... Really, nope not seeing the beauty yet.. but you gotta have Faith my amazing friend... if nothing else it gets me through the days.. even those days when I think "I don't care if I make it through this day!"
I Love You!
One of the things that I have always loved about you is that you are REAL, and honest. It is OK to say, and even think, THIS SUCKS! Just because we have been promised blessings after all of this mess that we are here to deal with doesn't mean that you are expected to be the eternal optomist. Looking at our last 5 years and the trials we have had I can honestly say that I do not see one "blessing" coming from them. We have funeral bills we are STILL paying off, cancer bills that are still mounting, children issues that I don't forsee being resolved any time in the near future, and yes it all sucks! Will we ever get a break, be able to enjoy the blessings that will come after the trials? Eventually. So until then, just vent away, and know that there is always someone out here who is willing to listen to you and just say I'm sorry things are horrible right now. Just do the best you can even though the "best you can" may just be waking up and making it through another day.
Oh Kendra, I love you! And I love the white trash picture! haha. I know I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. But I know it sucks. Just keep on going. I'm sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it is five years down the road, it's there. Just know that I'm here for you every step of the way! :)
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