ch ch ch changes

It was brought to my attention that I have some new information to share. Even if nothing life-changing has taken place in our lives (it has), four months is a long time to go without blogging. I have made a end of July resolution (similar to the oft-utilized new year's resolution, but way better) to be a better blogger-in the hopes that I will garner thousands of loyal blog readers and make millions in advertising revenue. Or, at the very least, have some memory of this crazy time in my family's life. We have gone from a family of 10 to a family of 12. Is this permanent? I don't know. Do I want it to be? I don't know. Life throws these curves at us and I find myself wondering what our motivation is for all the things we do. We now have custody of my sister's two babies. DJ is 16 months and Isla is 6 weeks. I love these babies and I want to give them all the love, stability and opportunities they have not previously had. It is challenging raising the children of someone at whom you are so angry. The kids love these babies. I couldn't make it through the day without their help. Fetching me bottles and diapers. Holding babies while I make bottles. Taking the little kids on walks and to the park. Joseph is more ambivalent about the situation than anything else. I understand that feeling, though. It seems like life is just sweeping us along and we haven't had much say in the last 3 or 4 years about where it will take us. This is just another example of something that has "happened to us", rather than something we consciously chose. Don't misunderstand. I do love these babies and I want what is best for them. I don't begrudge them a place in my home, heart or family. But it also feels like no alternative was ever considered. The mindset of my entire family and everyone else we discussed the situation with was "of course Joseph and Kendra will take care of this". But is it what we want, or just what we know we should do? Just thoughts that occur to me in the seemingly endless hours I spend rocking, walking and feeding kids. I also feel that, for better or worse, I am judged because of our life and family. There are the naysayers, who can't understand why we would take on more kids when we already have "too many". We are irresponsible and thoughtless. Then there are those who (mistakenly) think we are some kind of saints who do nothing but sit around sweetly singing nursery rhymes and reading to these precious children while trying to conceal my halo so as not to make others feel inferior. Neither of those assumptions about us (me) is correct. I feel like I am having an identity crisis. I can't reconcile who I really feel like I am with the perception that everyone has of me, whether good of bad. Soon I will update with pictures and details of all our summer adventures (limited though they have been). But I just wanted to float that info out there and air my feelings. Wow, I can ramble.